I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
