New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
