I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize