even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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