I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
