dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
