He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
