This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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