hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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