I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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