I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
