mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
