Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
