this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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