I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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