remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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