is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
