So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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