Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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