brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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