I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
