So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
