if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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