I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Actions speak louder than pants.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
