if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i will never coherently bang her
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
