So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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