dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
