ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
