bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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