don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
