gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
