i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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