I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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