The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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