Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
