I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
