woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
