Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
