I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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