I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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