so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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