I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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