I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
