Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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