I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
