the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
