I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
