Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
