I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
