Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
