is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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