So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
