It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
