is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
