Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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