a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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