When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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