I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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