when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
