the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
