So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
