Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
